Turns out Seroquel almost killed me. My drinking produces high blood pressure, and Seroquel produces low blood pressure. The two were combined a few weeks ago and I was in the worst shape I've ever been in. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack at any moment. Up and down the body went.
On other news, I've also found my grandfather Donald in Vegas and have spoken to him. He I have not spoken to since 1999 after Bill's death. He seemed sad, I assume due to the fact that his wife died 3 years ago from cancer.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Saturday, January 31, 2009
1.31.09
Been feeling level lately. Been taking quarter cuts of Seroquel. Helps to sleep and dull the mind's racing thoughts.
I finally completed my drum set yesterday as well. I've been workin on that since last June.
Nothin sad to talk about right now. Happy is boring, sad is interesting.
I finally completed my drum set yesterday as well. I've been workin on that since last June.
Nothin sad to talk about right now. Happy is boring, sad is interesting.
Monday, January 26, 2009
1.26.09
Something good finally happened in all this muck. I utilized PIPL.COM and found my grandmothers phone number. (My dad's mom). She lives in Florida. Last time I spoke to her was 10 years ago shortly after Bill's suicide. Now Bill wasn't her son, rather my biological father, Richard. But I figured I needed to contact everyone since no one in my family has really stayed close ever since the suicide. She also gave me the phone number of my grandfather who resides in Las Vegas. (they've been seperated since before I was able to comprehend).
I surprised the shit outta her. I said, "This is a phone call from California." She automatically knew it was me. And I instantly recognized her voice from many moons ago. She'd been searching for me as well but had no luck.
PIPL.COM is a trip, you can find anyone and their previous addresses and possible relatives, and sometimes phone numbers. Try it Edgar.
I surprised the shit outta her. I said, "This is a phone call from California." She automatically knew it was me. And I instantly recognized her voice from many moons ago. She'd been searching for me as well but had no luck.
PIPL.COM is a trip, you can find anyone and their previous addresses and possible relatives, and sometimes phone numbers. Try it Edgar.
Friday, January 23, 2009
01.23.09
Dream: Around 11am this morning. (I was out late last night).
I was at the house where my stepfather died. My little sister was there too. It was a few months after the incident. My mother never removed the hanging body. The garage door kept falling apart and I was trying to fix it so Megan did not see her dad. I managed to keep the corpse from her view some how and convince her to go back inside the house.
I kept thinking what the hell is my moms and uncles and everyone's fucking problem - Why are they keeping him rotting in the garage and everyday I have to hide my sisters eyes. Why don't I just do it myself and call the coroner.
And I wake up with a jump and gasp as I so often do because my dreams can be so lucid and intense. And immediately it dawned on me. This year will be a decade and he still does not have a gravestone. No one ever got him one. I always wanted to, but my mom, uncle, and "step" grandfather constantly swore the plans were in preparation. I still see no grave marker. Maybe this will close the horrible emptiness if I did it myself and got him a stone with the basics. Nothing fancy, but a memorial of sorts. So now I shall search for prices and details.
I was at the house where my stepfather died. My little sister was there too. It was a few months after the incident. My mother never removed the hanging body. The garage door kept falling apart and I was trying to fix it so Megan did not see her dad. I managed to keep the corpse from her view some how and convince her to go back inside the house.
I kept thinking what the hell is my moms and uncles and everyone's fucking problem - Why are they keeping him rotting in the garage and everyday I have to hide my sisters eyes. Why don't I just do it myself and call the coroner.
And I wake up with a jump and gasp as I so often do because my dreams can be so lucid and intense. And immediately it dawned on me. This year will be a decade and he still does not have a gravestone. No one ever got him one. I always wanted to, but my mom, uncle, and "step" grandfather constantly swore the plans were in preparation. I still see no grave marker. Maybe this will close the horrible emptiness if I did it myself and got him a stone with the basics. Nothing fancy, but a memorial of sorts. So now I shall search for prices and details.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
1.18.09
I was sick for the past 5 days. Alcohol poisoning? I think it was. My body can only take so much. But I still do it everyday. I'm about due for my third kidney stone. No fun there. I feel the slight feelings around my lower right side of the back. Every now and again, the orange crystals are urinated out. I am prepared.
The first stone hit me from hell. I had no idea what was going on. Maybe my appendix had burst, or possibly my liver gave out. This was 2007. I had the pain in the lower back for 2 days until one night I laid down for rest. I awoke at 3am with the feeling of razorblades in the gutworks. The stone goes from the kidney, into the ureter (tube to the bladder), the bladder and into the urethra. From there, out the old penis. I had cold sweats, paranoia, vomiting (due to the fact that the kidneys are sympathetically connected to the "vomit reflex"), and the greatest intense fear of my life. In the morning when my girlfriend finally woke, I pleaded for help. She did nothing. I always cry wolf, so now I paid for it. I drove myself to the hospital. It cost me $500. I never paid them.
The second stone came in 2008. I was ready, I knew what it was this time. I maintained and held out. I even went to band practice. At practice I expelled the stone. I showed everyone. It was the size of half a dime. They get bigger every time. But nowadays I've limited my animal flesh intake and sodium consumption, which both play a huge role in formation of these ghastly stones. The only problem: alcohol. And don't try to stop me.
The first stone hit me from hell. I had no idea what was going on. Maybe my appendix had burst, or possibly my liver gave out. This was 2007. I had the pain in the lower back for 2 days until one night I laid down for rest. I awoke at 3am with the feeling of razorblades in the gutworks. The stone goes from the kidney, into the ureter (tube to the bladder), the bladder and into the urethra. From there, out the old penis. I had cold sweats, paranoia, vomiting (due to the fact that the kidneys are sympathetically connected to the "vomit reflex"), and the greatest intense fear of my life. In the morning when my girlfriend finally woke, I pleaded for help. She did nothing. I always cry wolf, so now I paid for it. I drove myself to the hospital. It cost me $500. I never paid them.
The second stone came in 2008. I was ready, I knew what it was this time. I maintained and held out. I even went to band practice. At practice I expelled the stone. I showed everyone. It was the size of half a dime. They get bigger every time. But nowadays I've limited my animal flesh intake and sodium consumption, which both play a huge role in formation of these ghastly stones. The only problem: alcohol. And don't try to stop me.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
01.11.09
Last nights dream? I was in the front yard of where I lived when i was 10. Ontario. The cops roll up and have a baby with no arms or legs. They ask if I know where the mother is cos she left the baby. I think the baby is very cute and I feel an unrelenting despair.
I think this has to do with my sister, who is now 18, and her son she left behind in Arizona. My sister has been into methamphetamine and sex since she was 13. I know this because my mom had her interrogated by the cops at 14 years of age. 2 years ago my mom called me and said "Megan has a son, he's 6 months old." And that was the first time my mom saw her in 3 years. So my mom thought things would turn out right between them. But no. Megan leaves the baby behind with the dad in Arizona. She calls every so often, only to ask for money and to be bailed out of jail.
Therefore, the baby has no arms and legs to find his mother because he's so young and cannot take care of himself. The fucking story will start all over again.
I think this has to do with my sister, who is now 18, and her son she left behind in Arizona. My sister has been into methamphetamine and sex since she was 13. I know this because my mom had her interrogated by the cops at 14 years of age. 2 years ago my mom called me and said "Megan has a son, he's 6 months old." And that was the first time my mom saw her in 3 years. So my mom thought things would turn out right between them. But no. Megan leaves the baby behind with the dad in Arizona. She calls every so often, only to ask for money and to be bailed out of jail.
Therefore, the baby has no arms and legs to find his mother because he's so young and cannot take care of himself. The fucking story will start all over again.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
01.10.09
I decided to mainly record my dreams as well as events on this here blog. Last night i dreamed or rather this morning, since I go to bed around 3 or 4 am everyday, of my usual weirdness. I was with many friends who I can't recall actually being my friends in real life, and we were at a drug house hanging out. I'm told to hide my tattoos cos they'll suspect I'm a rival gang member. It was pretty lame actually.
In reality lately strange things have occurred. On Christmas eve I was walking to work and a dog bit me. Also, I got a strange rash on my peni and took an std test, amid my girlfriend accusing me of bonking fat chicks, and worrying about chlamydia or HIV. When I got the results, she said, "You're HIV..." My heart stopped. "...chlamydia, gonorrhea, etc. test came up negative." I thought I had a new crazy story in my life. So I've got nothing, just eczema. A skin rash my mother didn't tell me I had until a year ago. A good scare.
Otherwise it's been all drinking, fighting, drumming, and blogging now.
In reality lately strange things have occurred. On Christmas eve I was walking to work and a dog bit me. Also, I got a strange rash on my peni and took an std test, amid my girlfriend accusing me of bonking fat chicks, and worrying about chlamydia or HIV. When I got the results, she said, "You're HIV..." My heart stopped. "...chlamydia, gonorrhea, etc. test came up negative." I thought I had a new crazy story in my life. So I've got nothing, just eczema. A skin rash my mother didn't tell me I had until a year ago. A good scare.
Otherwise it's been all drinking, fighting, drumming, and blogging now.
Friday, January 9, 2009
1st entry.
10 years ago on April, 18th, 1999 I found a man hanging. The man was my father, well step-father. This year will mark a decade. I can't help but to think of what his corpse must look like. The nightmares are arriving again. The other night i dreamt that my mother kept his socks and underwear that he was wearing when he hanged himself. It fucks with me. My stepdad, biological dad and a friend named Steven Carlson all hanged themselves.
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